Conception and how Laya spoke to us in early Pregnancy

You kind of notice it, don't you? A little feeling? A small sign? An interpretation? Hmmm...but there's always the thought of being disappointed when it's not, right? How did you experience the time around the conception of your child, your children? I can still remember it very well. It was different, it was magical and it was connected to many memories from before. What all this had to do with a former midwife colleague and with a woman from my pelvic floor course, I'll tell you in a moment. But now back to the actual conception (fertilization) and what exactly happens there. In the past, it was always thought that shortly after ovulation, a sperm cell, the fastest and "greatest", reached the egg cell and then “won”, so to speak, and was the first and only one to penetrate the egg cell and then fertilize it. Isn't that a very masculine image? Now it has been found out that the egg cell determines who gets in and who has to stay out...that is, the other millions of sperm. It is about receiving, about actively granting, and not about intrusion. And I find this way just far more appropriate and coherent. It also opens up for me because from the start I had a clear picture of who Laya is, that he's a boy, that he wants to come, that he's just HERE.

So I'm not surprised that Laya's dad and I didn't need many attempts to receive Laya. Just a week after Evan moved to live with me in the Philippines, my egg, which had been waiting for this moment for about 37 years*, ingested the sperm that made up 50% of Laya. A fusion. So beautiful. And then it started right away. With the bizarre, the magical, the interpretations, the signs, and confused thoughts in mind. But if I'm honest, Laya announced about 1 year beforehand with premonitions and this "certain" feeling. A woman is pretty much left alone with these things, right? I couldn't stay alone with the fact that on the day of implantation (a few days after fertilization), I almost collapsed during an ascent to a village of a so-called warrior and tattoo people in the Philippine mountains of Kalinga. I was unable to carry my backpack up there, had shortness of breath, and was almost fainting. I had never experienced anything like this before, because I was always athletic and very persistent. Funny - what is that? Am I pregnant? Nothing said of course. Much too early - because you say nothing. But well noticed and keep watching. Five minutes after my collapse, however, we continued and arrived in the village, we realized that my favorite shoulder bag and pocket knife had been lost. Hmmm - funny was the thought "You'll have something better soon!" Nothing was said - would also be confusing stuff. It went on. Evan and I had a good time and independently got ourselves the same wrist tattoo. The sun and the moon, the merging of masculine and feminine.

Hmmm - nice! Funnily enough, the only thing the famous ancient Whang Ott (the oldest tattoo artist in the village) could still tattoo due to her age was three dots. Mom, dad, kid? Another thought in my confused mind. That's probably why I got this tattoo behind my ear. Listen better? Or is it not so much on your mind? Evan picked his chest for the dots. On the way home I was already feeling sick on the bus, so I grinned a little to myself. But we are still talking about a time when not even a pregnancy test would reliably work. My iPad was stolen on another bus ride. That hurt. That wasn't nice, but again this certainty that something new would come... And then it happened. Many years earlier, when I was giving one of my postnatal courses at the Hamburg birth center, a woman said that during this pregnancy she realized again that she was pregnant when her foot hurt. I have no idea, but I had memorized that for years, never forgot it, and of course, never told a woman to give her an understanding of the early signs of pregnancy. And then we had to run to the ferry to get back to my island of Palawan. And there it was: a pain in the foot, on the sole, like a cramp. I could hardly run, but the ferry was about to leave. Somehow I had managed it and then I was sure. I still didn't say anything to Evan, it still took quite a long time before I told him because I wanted to do at least one test. Instead, I preferred to argue with him on the ferry and, in moody pregnancy fashion, not speak to him for hours. Oh, these mood swings! In the next few days, back home in my small bamboo hut in the forest, in my community, I kept thinking about my former midwife colleague Manja, who gave birth to her son at the age of 37. Even then I had this undefined feeling about this number and the fact that it could be the same for me. At some point, we went swimming at Nagtabon Beach, one of the most beautiful beaches I know, and where I finally gave birth to Laya. So I swam, snuggling in the clear beautiful warm waters of the South China Sea, and looking ahead I could just see Evan's feet and swim away. And then it happened: I spoke into the water, so to speak, my head under water: "Laya, you are welcome, we love you, please stay." I was quite perplexed, also by the fact that I knew his name and that it was crystal clear to me that he was a boy. Laya means “free” in Tagalog/Filipino and I had heard of the name before from a dear friend. I just kept swimming and of course, I was confused and amazed about the clarity and this way of speaking, and also I wasn't sure where it all came from. Did I say that? Was that said through me? Hmmm - and then I saw something shimmering. From a distance, I saw something on the bottom of the sea. I dived down and picked it up. It was a 1 peso coin that carried so much symbolic power. 1 son, first child, my name “Isa” means 1 in Tagalog, etc. It made so much sense and I still have that coin to this day.

But I still hadn't said anything. It all seemed too confusing to me and I wasn't even overdue yet. But then my period didn't come and at 4+5 weeks I did a pregnancy test in a friend's garden, which was very important to me. And it showed only super weak positive. So weak. I told a friend who had her first child with me about three months earlier and she wasn't sure if the test was positive. I became a little unsure, but my intuition was also really great. A few days later (on Children's Day) I did another test and it was positive. What a journey and I got to tell Evan by full moonlight. *I was 36 years old when I conceived, but our eggs already exist when we are still in our mother's womb. If you would like to find out more about my work and offers, just take a look around my homepage or arrange a free 30-minute introductory call with me at yourmidwifehour@gmail.com.